5 Ways to Improve the Kentucky Derby: "

Tomorrow is the the 137th running of the Kentucky Derby. For horse racing fans it's a big deal. For everyone else it's a 2-minute long race preceded by 8 hours of drinking and a drunken effort to sing "My Old Kentucky Home," which, by the way, originally contained the lyrics "Tis summer and the darkies are gay" but was changed to "people are gay" all the way back in 1986--way to go Kentucky, social progress!
While we normally don't like to tinker with an over century old sports tradition, Churchill Downs had no problems burying their iconic Twin Spires between new clubhouse seating, nor did they seem overly concerned about adding night racing a few years back. Considering that they're open to new avenues to better the sport of horse racing, we thought we'd offer up our own 5 ways to imporve the Kentucky Derby.
Jockeys Must Drink Mint Juleps

The mint julep is the official drink of the Kentucky Derby and every year the folks at Churchill Downs develop new ways for people to consume them, whether it be in a jello shot, or cake or mint julep meth, race spectators are sauced on the sweet concoction by post time, so we figured the jockeys might as well be drunk too. Besides, the horses do most of the work anyway. Furthermore, the jockeys top out at like 5'2" 105lbs. Give them a couple drinks and they'll be wasted. And if 20 little men drunkenly riding horses around a big track doesn't entertain you, we don't know what will.
Road Course

The Derby bills itself as "The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports," which is all well and good, if you like exciting things to only last two minutes. We think it should be a little longer than the tradition mile and a quarter. And we aren't talking about making them run just a few more laps, no, because if that was the case, the Kentucky Derby would just end up being a fancy version of NASCAR. Instead, we petition to move the race to a road course. It'll give the Derby an opportunity to stretch itself out and add some varied terrain, which is a lot better than just flat left turns.
Sponsors

This seems mutually beneficial to both spectators and race organizers. The Derby officials can generate additional revenue, and fans can connect with horses on a deeper level. Casual fans and non-bettors just pick their favorite horse based on its name or some stupid Disney-esque back story--like such and such horse was considered too small, or was bought off the back of truck for just $5000 or maybe it overcame horse arthritis. Crap like that. But if you give them sponsors, people will have a legitimate reason to cheer for them. "Hey, I use Tide, so I'll root for the #8 Tide horse." If it works for NASCAR, it can work for horse racing.
Obstacles

If you watch enough Derby coverage, you'll hear analysts repeatedly say that these horses are "great athletes." Christ, a horse has been runner-up for the AP Female Athlete of the Year the past two years. But we aren't convinced. If you keep beating the crap out of animal with a stick, it's going to run fast. That's just nature. We say throw some obstacles in the course to test agility and reaction time, and then we'll see how athletic these beast really are.
Raptors in fancy hats

The Kentucky Derby is known for the plethora of unique hats worn by the Southern belles in attendance. Let's extend this colorful tradition to raptors--just because they'll savagely attack and eat anything in their wide killing radius doesn't mean they shouldn't look pretty and ladylike while doing it.
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